Week 1

So this is the first week of my diet. I feel like Im in this exclusive club for temporary anorexics. That’s not a dig to anyone I may know with an eating disorder, I clearly suffer my own eating disorder OVER EATING . If we could combined our eating habits we could both break even. Anyways back to my journey to skinnydom. My entire caloric intake for 7 days is 3500 total for the week. I miss the days that I could eat that in one sitting… I know so gross but if you have ever been to North Woods in you could see how it can be done. So its good bye to bread, candy, ice cream, and pretty much anything that’s covered in cheese which is what most of my current diet consists of…. So heres a quick peek at what my meals will be like for the next 6 weeks… FML

7am:Breakfast:

Iced tea w/splenda

11am Lunch:

4oz of meat or chicken 1 cup of veggies (usually broccoli) 1 cup of fruit (strawberries or an orange) 1 piece of toast 20 calories

6pm Dinner:

4oz of meat or chicken 1 cup of veggies (usually broccoli) 1 cup of fruit (strawberries or an orange) 1 piece of toast 20 calories

So I take these drops 3x a day. They don’t taste like anything so I could verily easily be paying $100 for 6 weeks for 2 bottles of water. So the first 2 days were so bad because I could eat whatever I wanted! YAY and I took full advantage of these days. On my first day Shmevor took me to Black Angus and I ordered everything I wanted… Baked Potato soup, Grilled artichoke, Wedge salad, bread, steak, cocktails… if I thought it looked good I ordered it! On day two I finally made it to 5 Guys burgers, I opted for a mini burger (500 cals) and no french-fries (1500 cals) I savored every last bite knowing that I was about to embark on this treacherous diet. April 8th 2011 could be further away! I knew that if I couldn’t lose weight on 500 cals a day God intended for me to be FATabulous!

My co-workers whom I adoringly refer to as “skonkas” have not so great eating habits that the Fat me liked while the less fat me had to sit back during week one as they ordered had their pizza Fridays, Wingstop Weds, Food truck Tuesdays, and china buffet breakfast EVERYDAY! Yes that’s you Lapanya, Shmaravsha and Brosis. I would like to say thank you for letting me smell your food soi can “feel” full. I would like a special thanks to Shmavarsha for always bringing me back that order of light air! Week 1 has been a rollercoaster of emotions, but the drive to not be the token FAT friend won over all my cravings of the Fatty Mc Fatfat food. Beginning weight: 210 End Weight: 207 To see the weight just melt away was so rewarding that I treated myself to a Girl Scout think mint! It’s a THIN mint how many calories could it be! Ha ha

I weigh as much as....

So I promised to post my weight for two reasons , 1) So I can brag about how much weight I have lost and 2)because I don’t think think I look as fat as my number. Like I have always said mentally Im a skinny person. The time has finally come that my mental state and my physical self meet somewhere in the middle. Id prefer they would be a complete match set LOL. So I have decided to give some examples of what my weigh is equal to in a song like version of The 12 Days of Christmas….

On the 12th day of Fatness the cheeseburgers and French fires gave to me… 12 Model 2004 Accordions



On the 11th day of Fatness the pizza and bread sticks gave to me… 11 “Romeo” Indian Body builders


On the 10th day of Fatness the soda and chips gave to me… 10 Pontoon Boat power winches



On the 9th day of Fatness the breakfast burritos with extra cheese gave me… 9 labradoodle puppies


On the 8th day of Fatness the chili cheese fries gave to me… 8 stock e36 windsheilds



On the 7th day of Fatness the banana splits and chocolate shakes gave me …7 jars of loose change


On the 6th day of Fatness the Oktoberfest beer and polish sausages gave to me… 6 travel scoots


On the 5 day of Fatness the Cotton candy and fries twinkies gave to me…5 boxes of apples straight from the farm


On the 4th day of Fatness the Disneyland corndogs, churros and popcorn gave to me… 4 stes of adjustable dumb bells


On the 3rd day of Fatness the lumpia and sticky rice gave to me…3 copies of the World Largest Atlas


On the 2nd day of Fatness the Dodgers dogs, nachos, ice cream in a helmet and blue margaritas gave to me …. Canadian super models that are too fat for the runway



On the 1st day of fatness my love of eating whatever the hell I want as long as they make stretchy close and plus size garments gave me … 1 Fatty Mc Fatfat that starting weight is 210 lbs!

The magic diet

So as you all know I have been trying to lose weight :I I have been battling the bulge for the last 6 years ( Thank you Dylan) So one of my best friends went on this “Diet drop” diet. This broad lost 40 lbs in just a few months. After my initial thought of “that skinny bitch… I’m jealous” I immediately thought I cant be the token FAT friend! So I googled Diet Drops and of course 8 million websites popped up. After about an hour of who to choose? … who to choose? And reading testimonial after testimonial I finally settled on the brand with the trusted stamp of approval AS SEEN ON TV. I was sold! So as I started to investigate what was allowed on this diet I almost ran away screaming out of fear of starvation. So my entire menu fit on one page 8.5 x 11 minus the 1/3 I don’t eat, seafood. So ladies and gentleman I was contemplating on embarking on a 500 calorie a day diet. Yes I said 500 calories. I thought to myself of course I’m going to lose weight I’m going to pay someone money to starve myself which I could do for free. The site state you could lose up to 60 lbs in 6 weeks of course because your temporarily turning yourself into an anorexic, who wouldn’t lose weight. Besides being what seems like a crazy hard core diet I have one more thing counting against me. My INABILITY to stay on a diet and NOT CHEAT. My BFF Shmonica has been a witness to my many failed attempts at dieting. Lets take a brief calorie free trip down my dietary downfalls.

2 day Celebrity Juice diet. Lose 10 lbs in 2 days
I lasted all of 6 hours before I was eating a sandwich. FAIL

Nutrisystem Eat cardboard and get skinny
This lasted about a week before I was eating In & Out saying screw you and you’re weird food that doesn’t need to go in the fridge.

Diet pills from Mexico the weight melts off
This was never a go because I couldn’t bring myself to smuggle the diet pills in my vagazzle and chance the drug sniffing dog to b all up in my lady parts

Chinese Diet pills lose weight have energy and run a mile in 3 mins
I took these for about a month until My Obese took them to her Dr. and he told her if she doesn’t want to DIE she should discontinue them immediately. DAMN IT these were working!


So after my numerous attempts to diet I have decided to commit my slightly chubbier then the skinny girl ass to this 500 calorie a day diet. I have decided to update about once a week about my journey to Skinnydom. FYI Skinnydom is where those guys and gals live that get to go shopping and not trying things on, not have to pay more for the same dress just because the size tag has a letter and a number, and they get to eat half a cheeseburger and can stop when they are full.

I would just like you to know I love my curvy guys and gals I just want to be a little less curvy not all Shmitzi status…. She makes me kinda hate naturally skinny people her only saving grace besides being my work BFF she cant eat much more then me ha ha

So I have listed the top 10 reason I want to be less fat or Skinner then my current self.

1. I don’t want to buy two seats on the airplane.
2. Im crossing my fingers that my boobs will go down at least 1 cup size (40 DDD that’s too much)
3. Im tired of buying clothes with size tags that have letters and numbers
4. Fat clothes cost more then not so fat clothes
5. All my friends are getting skinny yeah that’s you Skonka, Shmason, Shmellar
6. Now that Dylan is getting bigger sitting 3 in a car on Big Thunder mountain is getting tighter and tighter every trip
7. I want to weigh less then my fusband
8. Im hoping not eating out will save me money for all those new skinny clothes I’m going to buy
9. I don’t want to feel my stomach on the tops of my thighs while I’m sitting at my desk
10. I like to be able to take a group pic we can fit in and not have to stand 20 feet away

So…. My beginning weight is…. On my next post oh what a nightmare

im just saying....

These are things I see on a daily basis and it makes me shake my head in utter confusion... so please....

-Dont pick your nose in the car because EVERYONE can see you no matter how much your windows are rolled up

-Dont wear socks with sandals and or MANdals

-Dont have pictures of yourself with all your goods hanging out and wonder why people make "rude " comments

-Dont drink out of a strangers fishbowl at Sharkeez

-Dont be platinum blond and not keep up your roots, its just looks like someone took a big dump in your hair

-Dont be a vegan and have a leather handbag and shoes

-Dont eat something and make the caca face and then ask me to try some

-Dont carry your dog in your purse

-Dont walk your dog in the mall and then look confused when it shits in the store

-Dont let your kids scream and cry and tune them out because I cant

-Dont sit in your car and reapply your make up make 10 phone calls and brush your hair when you see me behind you with my blinker on.

Im just saying.

"wide calf boots"

I often wonder if summer is my favorite season because its all about the open toe shoes and flip flops. If you opened my closet you would think I LOVE LOVE LOVE winter. I have tons of outerwear, sweaters, and hoodies. I wear jeans almost everyday and I love to be cozy. My true fashion nemesis is any boot that has to fit over my calf! I dont have fat legs I have often been told that I have skinny girl legs. Thank you my nameless BFF. So why cant I find a boot that fits over my calf! Who wants toothpick legs? Which by the way are the only kind of legs that can fit into boots. I can rock a an ankle boot! and if I had toothpick legs I could rock a knee/calf/thigh high boot too! Now I'm determined to find a "plus size" boot. My search leads me to every ugly flat sloppy boot. What the hell! Big girls love fashion just as much as the size 0! And I hate to say it, but the skinny girl is slowly becoming the minority. FAT GIRLS UNITE and DEMAND some cute boots. From what I have found online if you have muscular calves AKA wide calves your apparently only allowed to wear slouchy boots. A slouchy boot does not go with every outfit. A heel does magically take off 30 lbs! LOL So why would I wear a boot that makes me look squat and fat! I'm just saying... I want a sexy heeled boot that can fit over my damn calf that i can zip up, pull up and not have a fat leg roll spilling over the top! Does my leg look like it should be forced to wear a flat slouchy boot?

The day I found out I was FAT!

Have you ever come across an old skinny picture of yourself and said "Damn I looked good" and then looked in the mirror and wondered who was looking back at you? Like I said, I have self diagnosed myself with body dysmorphia (I think Im still skinny) until the day my skinny heel lost the battle. It was a sad sad day that I had to release my favorite heels back to skinny girl heaven. I was working at a hotel as the GM, as I was walking down the hall with my BFF and the devil(Im sure there will be stories about her later) walking the property to make sure nothing was going array. I was taking my last few steps down the carpeted hallway and I heard an epic SNAP... I took my next step and almost fell ass backwards. Why? you ask, because my entire heel snapped off and I was left with a broken shoe. At first I thought it was just a fluke maybe I had just worn these heel so much that I had worn them out. So the next day I took the shoes back to the Asian shoe store and exchanged them for a new pair. I was so elated. The next night as was Oktoberfest,beer, polish sausage,and the chicken dance what more could a girl ask for! As I got dresses in my German beer wench costume I pulled out the perfect heel and slipped them on my not so fat feet, or so I thought LOL We walked into Oktoberfest made out usual rounds and took tons of pictures. After posing for picture after picture I was starving and couldnt possibly leave Oktoberfest with out my polish sausage. As I walked towards the food area I heard an eerily familiar snap. Could it be that i bought another pair of faulty shoes? Or is the reality that I am SO fat that My skinny heel could no longer support my weight! Of course I still got my sausage, but as I sat at the long picnic style table enjoying the deliciousness of my polish sausage I realized I REALLY AM FAT!

summer time...the livin's easy..not so much for my fat neck

Soooo summer is right around the corner. WOO HOO I am so happy, summer time is my favorite time of the year. You would think because im NOT a size 2 that I would wish away the season all together. Summer time is the Best weight loss secret I have in my arsenal. I dont know what it is but the more i lay out the sun just melts my fat away. I get smaller and turn a beautiful bronze color =) Oh yeah! there is one thing that I struggle with every summer and that is my neck fat role. I dont know if any of you ladies have this problem but i practically have to lay out with my head hanging over the chair or else i get that white line across my throat. Its like a giant billboard that screams "hey Mr. Serial killer please wrap the rope in this area for optimal strangulation" or it says i eat way too much ice cream and the fat has no where else to go except around my throat in hopes the fat will choke myself and prevent me from eating LOL Im crossing my fingers that I will win the battle of the neck fat this summer =)