1. I can wrap a standard towel around my body and walk around and not scare small children.
2. I can buckel my own strappy heels! woot woot Thank you fife (Shmonica) for all those times you buckeled my shoes
3. See my feet
4. I can wear Shmitzis mustache ring on my ring finger... yes that skinny skonk wears it on her index finger im getting there.
5. Wear jeans without the waist band trying to sever my body in half
6. Wear my cute Dodgers jacket and ZIP it up over my boobs
7. I can take one picture instead of 10 trying to find my "skinny" pose
8. Wear all my cute underwear without them rolling down my ass
9. I can stop eating when Im full
10. Buy skinny heels that wont break the first night I wear them.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Week 3
YAY! I made it half way! Im used to my diet and Im not feeling hungry between meals. I bought 80 chocolate bars and didn’t eat them all. My BFF Shmay introduced his Fat friends to his Fit friends. This was going to be a weekend of celebration and new friendships. Shmay decided Bottle service @ the Shore, why? Because that’s how we roll! Not only am I on this Diet we are in the midst of Lent. My work Skonkas decided we should have a lent off. Yes a lent off you can see our lent off hijinks @ www.cosbysweaters.com What did I give up for lent? Well I have already given up all good food so I gave up the next best thing VODAK what a bad idea! Shamy calls me and asks to get a table with Vodka… really? FML I make the call and what dose my friend tell me.. “Oh Grey Goose is on sale $150” woo hoo! Like I really care I cant drink it anyways. Fast forward to Saturday night my BFF’s or Bitches haven’t seen me in weeks so I was excited to see if they noticed that I have lost any weight. As usual Shmonica with her positive outlook on dieting tells me how much smaller I look. I knew that I had really lost some weight when Shamy said “ughhh you skinny bitch” followed by his signature cackle. So we walk into the club, escorted to our table and the server brings out the bottle of Goose. Tear no food and no vodka I definitely liked being fat much better! I had to say no thanks Goose.. . skipped over to the bar. Yes I skipped you know why because Im less fat and my heel wont break from all the extra weight. I asked the bartender to make me a sweet drink sans Vodka she gave me the most peculiar look and I had to explain the lent off she then laughed and made me some whiskey concoction. I then asked for a shot of Soco and Peach Schnapps.. NO soco in the outside bar.. FAIL I sipped my whiskey concoction but it did lack the sweet luster of a Kettle and Cran. After a few house shots we met “the owner” and he brought us across the street to another “bar” This “bar” was really a restraint with a DJ and an old guy on the couch asleep with a huge glass of wine. As the night drags on Im sobering up BOO! It was time to go home the real diet battle was about to begin. We usually hit up the Shorehouse for drunken grubb….this was not going to be the case tonight! Im going straight home and to bed hungry and almost sober. My week in a nutshell had a couple peanut butter bars, cocktails and fought the urge to eat late night. Through all of this I STILL lost weight! Screw you fat cells… I don’t know where youre going but youre not welcome back her!
Weight loss:5lbs
Total weight loss: 18lbs
Weight:192
Weight loss:5lbs
Total weight loss: 18lbs
Weight:192
Week 2
So week 2 was much more trying then week 1. I think Shmevor is tired of me bargaining for just one bite or one piece of something that im not supposed to be eating. This weeks trials and tribulations:
1) The tacklers birthday party
2) Family get together in Palm Springs
One of my Skonkas invited me to her kids birthday party. Heres a little note about Shmezlie… she LOVES Wingstop! Naturally the menu for the birthday party Pizza and Wingstop! FML Before going to the party and torturing myself I ate my delicious 4oz of meat and veggies so I would be full and wouldn’t want to eat all her delicious Fatty McFatfat food. I walk into her place only to see 20 boxes of pizza and trays of wingstop! A green salad and fruit salad. As my kid and Shmevor devour their pizza and wingstop I sat at the table and quietly ate my grapes and strawberries. The real food smelled so good I wanted to lick the pizza of their faces. I know so disgusting but after 2 weeks of no carbs and no sugar I’d eat a twinkie out a NY dumpster. Clearly the trip to skinnydom is not going to be a pleasant trip. I made it through the party unscathed until there was cake! Oh Torrance bakery why are you so delicious! As baldy as I wanted a piece of cake I kept passing it on until I got to my kids piece. Some frosting found its way to my finger, before anyone could give me a napkin I had my finger in my mouth like a teething baby. Even though the taste was only there for a few seconds I would gladly have gained 3 lbs for one slice of cake.
And the week goes on…..
Off to Palm Springs we went… Me Shemvor and the kid, don’t forget my super fancy shmancy diet! So I packed up the usual traveling things plus a cooler of food! Yes I have turned into one of those people that bring my own food when I go places! Ughhhhh how annoying. I am now convinced that everyone liked me as the funny fat chick and so they have secretly been keeping me fat… ok I don’t really believe that but I sont really want to blame myself for turning into “Big Bertha”. So we went to Palm Springs to paint my Aunts living room as a gift. Next year im just buying her something. After 10 hours of painting it was dinner time. I had cooked my 4 oz of meat and veggies while everyone else was going to enoy some nice warm cheesy pizza. Really? What jerks! So I broke I had pizza just 2 slices… pepperoni and pineapple. I figured that was my meat and veggies/fruit for my meal. I tried I turned down the meatlovers pizza! It was soooooooooo worth it. The next morning I woke not feeling guilty for taking a day off but I was surprisingly anxious to get back on my diet. Week 2 survived with a few bumps in the road all and all I still list weight . Screw you baby weight!
Weigh loss week 2: 6lbs
Total Weight: 13 lbs
Weight: 197
1) The tacklers birthday party
2) Family get together in Palm Springs
One of my Skonkas invited me to her kids birthday party. Heres a little note about Shmezlie… she LOVES Wingstop! Naturally the menu for the birthday party Pizza and Wingstop! FML Before going to the party and torturing myself I ate my delicious 4oz of meat and veggies so I would be full and wouldn’t want to eat all her delicious Fatty McFatfat food. I walk into her place only to see 20 boxes of pizza and trays of wingstop! A green salad and fruit salad. As my kid and Shmevor devour their pizza and wingstop I sat at the table and quietly ate my grapes and strawberries. The real food smelled so good I wanted to lick the pizza of their faces. I know so disgusting but after 2 weeks of no carbs and no sugar I’d eat a twinkie out a NY dumpster. Clearly the trip to skinnydom is not going to be a pleasant trip. I made it through the party unscathed until there was cake! Oh Torrance bakery why are you so delicious! As baldy as I wanted a piece of cake I kept passing it on until I got to my kids piece. Some frosting found its way to my finger, before anyone could give me a napkin I had my finger in my mouth like a teething baby. Even though the taste was only there for a few seconds I would gladly have gained 3 lbs for one slice of cake.
And the week goes on…..
Off to Palm Springs we went… Me Shemvor and the kid, don’t forget my super fancy shmancy diet! So I packed up the usual traveling things plus a cooler of food! Yes I have turned into one of those people that bring my own food when I go places! Ughhhhh how annoying. I am now convinced that everyone liked me as the funny fat chick and so they have secretly been keeping me fat… ok I don’t really believe that but I sont really want to blame myself for turning into “Big Bertha”. So we went to Palm Springs to paint my Aunts living room as a gift. Next year im just buying her something. After 10 hours of painting it was dinner time. I had cooked my 4 oz of meat and veggies while everyone else was going to enoy some nice warm cheesy pizza. Really? What jerks! So I broke I had pizza just 2 slices… pepperoni and pineapple. I figured that was my meat and veggies/fruit for my meal. I tried I turned down the meatlovers pizza! It was soooooooooo worth it. The next morning I woke not feeling guilty for taking a day off but I was surprisingly anxious to get back on my diet. Week 2 survived with a few bumps in the road all and all I still list weight . Screw you baby weight!
Weigh loss week 2: 6lbs
Total Weight: 13 lbs
Weight: 197
Week 1
So this is the first week of my diet. I feel like Im in this exclusive club for temporary anorexics. That’s not a dig to anyone I may know with an eating disorder, I clearly suffer my own eating disorder OVER EATING . If we could combined our eating habits we could both break even. Anyways back to my journey to skinnydom. My entire caloric intake for 7 days is 3500 total for the week. I miss the days that I could eat that in one sitting… I know so gross but if you have ever been to North Woods in you could see how it can be done. So its good bye to bread, candy, ice cream, and pretty much anything that’s covered in cheese which is what most of my current diet consists of…. So heres a quick peek at what my meals will be like for the next 6 weeks… FML
7am:Breakfast:
Iced tea w/splenda
11am Lunch:
4oz of meat or chicken 1 cup of veggies (usually broccoli) 1 cup of fruit (strawberries or an orange) 1 piece of toast 20 calories
6pm Dinner:
4oz of meat or chicken 1 cup of veggies (usually broccoli) 1 cup of fruit (strawberries or an orange) 1 piece of toast 20 calories
So I take these drops 3x a day. They don’t taste like anything so I could verily easily be paying $100 for 6 weeks for 2 bottles of water. So the first 2 days were so bad because I could eat whatever I wanted! YAY and I took full advantage of these days. On my first day Shmevor took me to Black Angus and I ordered everything I wanted… Baked Potato soup, Grilled artichoke, Wedge salad, bread, steak, cocktails… if I thought it looked good I ordered it! On day two I finally made it to 5 Guys burgers, I opted for a mini burger (500 cals) and no french-fries (1500 cals) I savored every last bite knowing that I was about to embark on this treacherous diet. April 8th 2011 could be further away! I knew that if I couldn’t lose weight on 500 cals a day God intended for me to be FATabulous!
My co-workers whom I adoringly refer to as “skonkas” have not so great eating habits that the Fat me liked while the less fat me had to sit back during week one as they ordered had their pizza Fridays, Wingstop Weds, Food truck Tuesdays, and china buffet breakfast EVERYDAY! Yes that’s you Lapanya, Shmaravsha and Brosis. I would like to say thank you for letting me smell your food soi can “feel” full. I would like a special thanks to Shmavarsha for always bringing me back that order of light air! Week 1 has been a rollercoaster of emotions, but the drive to not be the token FAT friend won over all my cravings of the Fatty Mc Fatfat food. Beginning weight: 210 End Weight: 207 To see the weight just melt away was so rewarding that I treated myself to a Girl Scout think mint! It’s a THIN mint how many calories could it be! Ha ha
Saturday, March 26, 2011
I weigh as much as....
So I promised to post my weight for two reasons , 1) So I can brag about how much weight I have lost and 2)because I don’t think think I look as fat as my number. Like I have always said mentally Im a skinny person. The time has finally come that my mental state and my physical self meet somewhere in the middle. Id prefer they would be a complete match set LOL. So I have decided to give some examples of what my weigh is equal to in a song like version of The 12 Days of Christmas….
On the 12th day of Fatness the cheeseburgers and French fires gave to me… 12 Model 2004 Accordions
On the 11th day of Fatness the pizza and bread sticks gave to me… 11 “Romeo” Indian Body builders
On the 10th day of Fatness the soda and chips gave to me… 10 Pontoon Boat power winches
On the 9th day of Fatness the breakfast burritos with extra cheese gave me… 9 labradoodle puppies
On the 8th day of Fatness the chili cheese fries gave to me… 8 stock e36 windsheilds
On the 7th day of Fatness the banana splits and chocolate shakes gave me …7 jars of loose change
On the 6th day of Fatness the Oktoberfest beer and polish sausages gave to me… 6 travel scoots
On the 5 day of Fatness the Cotton candy and fries twinkies gave to me…5 boxes of apples straight from the farm
On the 4th day of Fatness the Disneyland corndogs, churros and popcorn gave to me… 4 stes of adjustable dumb bells
On the 3rd day of Fatness the lumpia and sticky rice gave to me…3 copies of the World Largest Atlas
On the 2nd day of Fatness the Dodgers dogs, nachos, ice cream in a helmet and blue margaritas gave to me …. Canadian super models that are too fat for the runway
On the 1st day of fatness my love of eating whatever the hell I want as long as they make stretchy close and plus size garments gave me … 1 Fatty Mc Fatfat that starting weight is 210 lbs!
On the 12th day of Fatness the cheeseburgers and French fires gave to me… 12 Model 2004 Accordions
On the 11th day of Fatness the pizza and bread sticks gave to me… 11 “Romeo” Indian Body builders
On the 10th day of Fatness the soda and chips gave to me… 10 Pontoon Boat power winches
On the 9th day of Fatness the breakfast burritos with extra cheese gave me… 9 labradoodle puppies
On the 8th day of Fatness the chili cheese fries gave to me… 8 stock e36 windsheilds
On the 7th day of Fatness the banana splits and chocolate shakes gave me …7 jars of loose change
On the 6th day of Fatness the Oktoberfest beer and polish sausages gave to me… 6 travel scoots
On the 5 day of Fatness the Cotton candy and fries twinkies gave to me…5 boxes of apples straight from the farm
On the 4th day of Fatness the Disneyland corndogs, churros and popcorn gave to me… 4 stes of adjustable dumb bells
On the 3rd day of Fatness the lumpia and sticky rice gave to me…3 copies of the World Largest Atlas
On the 2nd day of Fatness the Dodgers dogs, nachos, ice cream in a helmet and blue margaritas gave to me …. Canadian super models that are too fat for the runway
On the 1st day of fatness my love of eating whatever the hell I want as long as they make stretchy close and plus size garments gave me … 1 Fatty Mc Fatfat that starting weight is 210 lbs!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The magic diet
So as you all know I have been trying to lose weight :I I have been battling the bulge for the last 6 years ( Thank you Dylan) So one of my best friends went on this “Diet drop” diet. This broad lost 40 lbs in just a few months. After my initial thought of “that skinny bitch… I’m jealous” I immediately thought I cant be the token FAT friend! So I googled Diet Drops and of course 8 million websites popped up. After about an hour of who to choose? … who to choose? And reading testimonial after testimonial I finally settled on the brand with the trusted stamp of approval AS SEEN ON TV. I was sold! So as I started to investigate what was allowed on this diet I almost ran away screaming out of fear of starvation. So my entire menu fit on one page 8.5 x 11 minus the 1/3 I don’t eat, seafood. So ladies and gentleman I was contemplating on embarking on a 500 calorie a day diet. Yes I said 500 calories. I thought to myself of course I’m going to lose weight I’m going to pay someone money to starve myself which I could do for free. The site state you could lose up to 60 lbs in 6 weeks of course because your temporarily turning yourself into an anorexic, who wouldn’t lose weight. Besides being what seems like a crazy hard core diet I have one more thing counting against me. My INABILITY to stay on a diet and NOT CHEAT. My BFF Shmonica has been a witness to my many failed attempts at dieting. Lets take a brief calorie free trip down my dietary downfalls.
2 day Celebrity Juice diet. Lose 10 lbs in 2 days
I lasted all of 6 hours before I was eating a sandwich. FAIL
Nutrisystem Eat cardboard and get skinny
This lasted about a week before I was eating In & Out saying screw you and you’re weird food that doesn’t need to go in the fridge.
Diet pills from Mexico the weight melts off
This was never a go because I couldn’t bring myself to smuggle the diet pills in my vagazzle and chance the drug sniffing dog to b all up in my lady parts
Chinese Diet pills lose weight have energy and run a mile in 3 mins
I took these for about a month until My Obese took them to her Dr. and he told her if she doesn’t want to DIE she should discontinue them immediately. DAMN IT these were working!
So after my numerous attempts to diet I have decided to commit my slightly chubbier then the skinny girl ass to this 500 calorie a day diet. I have decided to update about once a week about my journey to Skinnydom. FYI Skinnydom is where those guys and gals live that get to go shopping and not trying things on, not have to pay more for the same dress just because the size tag has a letter and a number, and they get to eat half a cheeseburger and can stop when they are full.
I would just like you to know I love my curvy guys and gals I just want to be a little less curvy not all Shmitzi status…. She makes me kinda hate naturally skinny people her only saving grace besides being my work BFF she cant eat much more then me ha ha
So I have listed the top 10 reason I want to be less fat or Skinner then my current self.
1. I don’t want to buy two seats on the airplane.
2. Im crossing my fingers that my boobs will go down at least 1 cup size (40 DDD that’s too much)
3. Im tired of buying clothes with size tags that have letters and numbers
4. Fat clothes cost more then not so fat clothes
5. All my friends are getting skinny yeah that’s you Skonka, Shmason, Shmellar
6. Now that Dylan is getting bigger sitting 3 in a car on Big Thunder mountain is getting tighter and tighter every trip
7. I want to weigh less then my fusband
8. Im hoping not eating out will save me money for all those new skinny clothes I’m going to buy
9. I don’t want to feel my stomach on the tops of my thighs while I’m sitting at my desk
10. I like to be able to take a group pic we can fit in and not have to stand 20 feet away
So…. My beginning weight is…. On my next post oh what a nightmare
2 day Celebrity Juice diet. Lose 10 lbs in 2 days
I lasted all of 6 hours before I was eating a sandwich. FAIL
Nutrisystem Eat cardboard and get skinny
This lasted about a week before I was eating In & Out saying screw you and you’re weird food that doesn’t need to go in the fridge.
Diet pills from Mexico the weight melts off
This was never a go because I couldn’t bring myself to smuggle the diet pills in my vagazzle and chance the drug sniffing dog to b all up in my lady parts
Chinese Diet pills lose weight have energy and run a mile in 3 mins
I took these for about a month until My Obese took them to her Dr. and he told her if she doesn’t want to DIE she should discontinue them immediately. DAMN IT these were working!
So after my numerous attempts to diet I have decided to commit my slightly chubbier then the skinny girl ass to this 500 calorie a day diet. I have decided to update about once a week about my journey to Skinnydom. FYI Skinnydom is where those guys and gals live that get to go shopping and not trying things on, not have to pay more for the same dress just because the size tag has a letter and a number, and they get to eat half a cheeseburger and can stop when they are full.
I would just like you to know I love my curvy guys and gals I just want to be a little less curvy not all Shmitzi status…. She makes me kinda hate naturally skinny people her only saving grace besides being my work BFF she cant eat much more then me ha ha
So I have listed the top 10 reason I want to be less fat or Skinner then my current self.
1. I don’t want to buy two seats on the airplane.
2. Im crossing my fingers that my boobs will go down at least 1 cup size (40 DDD that’s too much)
3. Im tired of buying clothes with size tags that have letters and numbers
4. Fat clothes cost more then not so fat clothes
5. All my friends are getting skinny yeah that’s you Skonka, Shmason, Shmellar
6. Now that Dylan is getting bigger sitting 3 in a car on Big Thunder mountain is getting tighter and tighter every trip
7. I want to weigh less then my fusband
8. Im hoping not eating out will save me money for all those new skinny clothes I’m going to buy
9. I don’t want to feel my stomach on the tops of my thighs while I’m sitting at my desk
10. I like to be able to take a group pic we can fit in and not have to stand 20 feet away
So…. My beginning weight is…. On my next post oh what a nightmare
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