The magic diet

So as you all know I have been trying to lose weight :I I have been battling the bulge for the last 6 years ( Thank you Dylan) So one of my best friends went on this “Diet drop” diet. This broad lost 40 lbs in just a few months. After my initial thought of “that skinny bitch… I’m jealous” I immediately thought I cant be the token FAT friend! So I googled Diet Drops and of course 8 million websites popped up. After about an hour of who to choose? … who to choose? And reading testimonial after testimonial I finally settled on the brand with the trusted stamp of approval AS SEEN ON TV. I was sold! So as I started to investigate what was allowed on this diet I almost ran away screaming out of fear of starvation. So my entire menu fit on one page 8.5 x 11 minus the 1/3 I don’t eat, seafood. So ladies and gentleman I was contemplating on embarking on a 500 calorie a day diet. Yes I said 500 calories. I thought to myself of course I’m going to lose weight I’m going to pay someone money to starve myself which I could do for free. The site state you could lose up to 60 lbs in 6 weeks of course because your temporarily turning yourself into an anorexic, who wouldn’t lose weight. Besides being what seems like a crazy hard core diet I have one more thing counting against me. My INABILITY to stay on a diet and NOT CHEAT. My BFF Shmonica has been a witness to my many failed attempts at dieting. Lets take a brief calorie free trip down my dietary downfalls.

2 day Celebrity Juice diet. Lose 10 lbs in 2 days
I lasted all of 6 hours before I was eating a sandwich. FAIL

Nutrisystem Eat cardboard and get skinny
This lasted about a week before I was eating In & Out saying screw you and you’re weird food that doesn’t need to go in the fridge.

Diet pills from Mexico the weight melts off
This was never a go because I couldn’t bring myself to smuggle the diet pills in my vagazzle and chance the drug sniffing dog to b all up in my lady parts

Chinese Diet pills lose weight have energy and run a mile in 3 mins
I took these for about a month until My Obese took them to her Dr. and he told her if she doesn’t want to DIE she should discontinue them immediately. DAMN IT these were working!


So after my numerous attempts to diet I have decided to commit my slightly chubbier then the skinny girl ass to this 500 calorie a day diet. I have decided to update about once a week about my journey to Skinnydom. FYI Skinnydom is where those guys and gals live that get to go shopping and not trying things on, not have to pay more for the same dress just because the size tag has a letter and a number, and they get to eat half a cheeseburger and can stop when they are full.

I would just like you to know I love my curvy guys and gals I just want to be a little less curvy not all Shmitzi status…. She makes me kinda hate naturally skinny people her only saving grace besides being my work BFF she cant eat much more then me ha ha

So I have listed the top 10 reason I want to be less fat or Skinner then my current self.

1. I don’t want to buy two seats on the airplane.
2. Im crossing my fingers that my boobs will go down at least 1 cup size (40 DDD that’s too much)
3. Im tired of buying clothes with size tags that have letters and numbers
4. Fat clothes cost more then not so fat clothes
5. All my friends are getting skinny yeah that’s you Skonka, Shmason, Shmellar
6. Now that Dylan is getting bigger sitting 3 in a car on Big Thunder mountain is getting tighter and tighter every trip
7. I want to weigh less then my fusband
8. Im hoping not eating out will save me money for all those new skinny clothes I’m going to buy
9. I don’t want to feel my stomach on the tops of my thighs while I’m sitting at my desk
10. I like to be able to take a group pic we can fit in and not have to stand 20 feet away

So…. My beginning weight is…. On my next post oh what a nightmare